Oh (M)other: Welcoming the Other in Mother with Dr. Marguerite Maguire MD

Below is a conversation between Erika Mitchell, LMFT and Dr. Marguerite Maguire, MD , our former and beloved in-house psychiatrist at Michelle Harwell Therapy. Dr. Maguire has a specialty and personal interest in treating issues related to maternal mental health.

E: I've heard the term 'maternal mental health' refer to the moment a person conceives through the first year of that child's life, so considering that time-frame, I'm curious what are some cognitive/hormonal shifts or changes in the brain that could impact mental health, and that you might assess for when seeing a new patient coming in for concerns related to being the birthing person?

M: There is a drastic identity shift when you become pregnant and even greater when you become a mother. You may still the same inside but suddenly society sees you completely differently, you can feel the sudden shift in expectations. I think that shift, trying to match up how you feel with outsiders' vision of you, is a dramatic one that is a bit intangible and so often goes unrecognized. Society sort of puts you away as a viable, sexual, vital being and ushers you into a lane of service, selflessness, endless giving. Birth often changes your body permanently. 1 in 3 people who have been pregnant have some degree of incontinence and 1/2 have some degree of pelvic organ prolapse. It's really wild that we don't hear more about this. Women just quietly soldier on. I think I've gone a little off topic here, let me reign myself back in. As you progress through pregnancy, your estrogen is climbing and climbing. Those last weeks of pregnancy I find are usually quite anxiety inducing and depressing for patients. They are about to take a leap off a cliff from which there is no return, even if they've done all they can to prepare, they have no idea what to expect, and they're likely not sleeping well due to size and comfort. Then you give birth and you lose 99% of your body's estrogen in the 24 hours after birth. The real sleeplessness sets in, and on day 3 or so, your milk comes in so the hormonal changes leave you whiplashed with how quickly they change. I find the first 4 weeks to be the toughest on most birthing people's mental health.

E: How does the intersection of birthing-person mental health disorders with other identities such as race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and gender impact the experience of mental health disorders? 

M: Oh man, wish I had more expertise on this subject but I think it's important that it be widely known that black women are three to four times more likely to die in pregnancy and five times more likely to die from pregnancy-related cardiomyopathy and blood pressure disorders than white women. Also the majority of black women live in the 22 States that have banned abortion. Black women also have higher shares of preterm births, low birthweight births, or births for which they received late or no prenatal care compared to white women and these figures have not changed with improvements with overall healthcare quality and access. Also limited abortion access in the south disproportionately affects black women so we can expect all the above facts to worsen as abortion access becomes more and more restricted.

“Society sort of puts you away as a viable, sexual, vital being and ushers you into a lane of service, selflessness, endless giving.”

— -Dr. Maguire

E: In what ways do societal expectations and norms surrounding motherhood contribute to birthing person mental health disorders, and how can we work to challenge and change these expectations?

M: Society's expectations of pregnant people are extremely strict. When you're visibly pregnant people automatically know something intimate about you that you didn't maybe mean to tell them or consent to them knowing. People often touch your belly without asking and offer unsolicited advice. There are signs at bars and coffee shops warning pregnant people about birth defects which I find a bit condescending. It's strange that one day, when a fetus implants, all of a sudden Starbucks is educating me on how I ought to be living my life. We expect people to make mistakes and choices that are less than ideal for their health, like smoking for example, but the second that person becomes pregnant, society gasps if you haven't figured out a way to give up all your vices and become a perfect person overnight.

E: What are some common myths or misunderstandings related to mental health disorders of the birthing person?

M: The most important myth is that PREGNANCY IS A HAPPY TIME. There's immense pressure to be overjoyed at being pregnant. 1/2 of pregnancies in the US are unplanned so we ought to be careful when we congratulate people upon learning they are pregnant. It might not be happy news and it definitely might be ambivalent news. Especially if a person had a hard time getting pregnant, went through cycles of infertility treatments, they are under enormous pressure to be grateful every second of pregnancy and parenthood. But because of hormones, and role changes, and body changes and a whole host of intricate psychological underpinnings, pregnancy is not happy for everyone all the time. Any mental health condition you've experienced prior to pregnancy, is more likely to return during pregnancy. So if you've been depressed before, there is a good chance you'll have depression in pregnancy or in the postpartum period. Wouldn't it be nice if that were an okay thing to speak about.

E: Much of the literature related to 'maternal' mental health seems to emphasize social support as a huge protective factor against mental health disorders. Any advice for introverts or those who are choosing to have a child on their own?

M: Birthing a child on their own-- enlist the help of friends and family! It need not be a romantic partner. Introverts-- warn anyone you'll be spending time with ahead of time how you like to be cared for. Perhaps rather than sitting around and socializing with you, or watching you intently as you breastfeed, a loved one could show their support by popping into your house, doing your dishes, putting away your laundry, then leaving without a word.

E: What's up with breastfeeding (or chest feeding as is the new, more proper terminology)?

M: There has been a big push toward "breast is best" and the American Academy of Pediatrics now recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months and ongoing breastfeeding for 2+ years. This is A LOT, especially for a person who has any predisposition to mental health issues. Some people find breastfeeding to be a bonding experience, a special time between them and their baby, and they feel good giving the baby all those antibodies especially during a pandemic but I want to give a blanket ITS OKAY TO STOP to anyone who has a hard time with breastfeeding. Most of my friends and patients continue to do it out of obligation and guilt, feeling selfish if they don't want to do it. If you exclusively breastfeed you have to do ALL the night time feedings whereas formula can be given by any one in the household. It wreaks havoc on your sleep. The data for how much more beneficial breastmilk is compared to formula is not strong. Much more important to have a happy, well rested, emotionally attuned parent. "FED IS BEST." I say. I think the guilt of breastfeeding is just another way in which mom guilt lurks around every corner. You know it's Mom Guilt when either way you do things, you'll feel bad. In those cases you have to just kick that thought to the curb. If you go back to work you're abandoning your baby but if you're JUST a stay at home mom you're not setting an example for your kid that women can have multifaceted identities and successful careers etc etc, there's no winning, its mom guilt, chop it up and toss it to the wind!

E: Thank you so much Dr. Maguire for all of your words of wisdom, I always appreciate your down to earth approach to mental health.  As an expecting parent I feel a sense of relief after talking with you about some of these things, and I hope others feel the same :)

---

Erika Mitchell, MA, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.. Erika specializes in helping her clients bring mindful, attuned awareness to their sensations and emotions.

Home: Gravy and Biscuits

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

As I was reflecting back on what Home means to me, I continued to go back to memories of my mother cooking in the kitchen or teaching me how to make one of her specialty dishes. Homemade cooking was a very important thing to her as a Southern woman. This value has been passed down from generation to generation. Both my mother and grandmother (“mamaw”) take pride in their scratch cooking and believe in the merits of working hard to prepare a homemade meal. This value was passed down to me. Home to me means home-cooked meals. Home to me is waking up to the smell of homemade buttermilk biscuits and sausage being cooked for gravy.

One of my mother’s specialty dishes is her gravy and biscuits. This recipe has been passed on from my mamaw. What makes this dish so special is that it is made by hand and from memory. There is no recipe. My mother has always taken pride in her perfectly fluffy biscuits and creamy gravy. She has taught me over the years that the art of perfecting the biscuits is how you lightly handle the dough so that the it stays airy — this is what makes it fluffy. The trick with the gravy is to slowly stir until it is at its perfect consistency. Neither process can be rushed for it to turn out right.       

Thinking back on this memory as a child, I think about how much the process of making gravy and biscuits is similar to therapy. If we rush the process of therapy we will not get the result we desire. It can take time to move through the process of understanding ourselves and to remember that taking our time and being mindful is important so that we don't miss an important ingredient.

“Both my mother and grandmother (“mamaw”) take pride in their scratch cooking and believe in the merits of working hard to prepare a homemade meal....Home to me is waking up to the smell of buttermilk biscuits and sausage being cooked for gravy. ”

---

HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

******

A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

---

Eryn Lewis, MA, is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, IMF #186959, working under the professional supervision of Gabrielle Taylor, PhD, Psy #22054. Eryn works with individuals, couples and families on a broad range of issues including anxiety, depression, parent-child challenges, trauma, sexual abuse, and marital issues.

Home: Ducky

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

“This sculpted mass of cotton and fluff became a soft and portable vessel where my sense of home resided. He allowed me to take that sense of security with me wherever I went.”

His name is Ducky. Not exactly the most creative choice, but it’s a fitting name considering he is an eight-inch tall plush-animal duck. His simple name aside, Ducky was my first best friend.

Now, many mature adults may think Ducky is just the sum of his parts: Cloth and stuffing. But if you were to see how I carried him with me as a child, I assure you, for a fleeting moment, you too would understand how real he is (*cough cough… I mean, was). This sculpted mass of cotton and fluff became a soft and portable vessel where my sense of home resided. He allowed me to take that sense of security with me wherever I went.

As it turns out, I am not alone in this attachment phenomenon. Many other children develop similar attachments to inanimate objects. In fact, by eighteen months of age, 60% of children form some kind of attachment with a soft object (e.g., plush or blanket). Researchers theorize inanimate object attachment allows a child a secondary secure-base to explore; in other words, the child projects their felt sense of security with a primary caregiver(s) onto another non-living entity and thus utilizes the secondary security object to increase their range/capacity to explore and learn from their surroundings.

Ducky definitely facilitated many of my exploration efforts. There were many times when I accompanied my mother (a physician) to the hospital when she made rounds. A hospital can be a scary and overwhelming place for anyone (let alone a young child) and I always brought Ducky with me to help pass the time. While I was normally shepherded to the doctor’s lounge to play on the wheel chairs and feast on what seemed like a neverending supply of doughnuts…. on one particular occasion, I was left at the nurses’ station. With Ducky on my lap, I patiently waited. I counted the number of times red lights flashed over patient doors and I tried to psychically incept a page for Dr. Evans over the hospital intercom.

What seemed like hours passed. And just as all sense of novelty began to wane… a jar caught my eye. Within the jar, there were what appeared to be small-ish brown boogers wiggling through the water. My curiosity overwhelmed me. Manipulating Ducky’s stubby arms around the lid, I proceeded to open the jar to investigate its contents further. As it turns out, those “boogers” were medical leeches and it was not until I had placed half a dozen onto myself, Ducky, and the desk where I sat waiting, that a nurse discovered my innocent transgression and released one of the most awesome screams I had ever heard to date.

While it’s arguable if the leech fiasco enhanced my overall understanding of the world around me, it did give me an experience that I will never forget. If I hadn’t brought Ducky with me that day, I probably would have never opened that jar. In fact, if I did not have Ducky, I probably would not have done a lot of things.  I probably would have been more shy on my first day of pre-school; I might have taken longer to learn how to ride a bike; or maybe I would not have made my bed every morning so Ducky could have a neat place to sit as he waited for me to get back from school. Having a separate entity like Ducky (to both rely on and provide for) enabled me to venture out in my environment where I was tasked with maturing intellectually and emotionally.

“Once the object that housed my burgeoning (but yet to be self-avowed) curiosity, Ducky now lives as a symbol of home – that intangible place I can come back to when the world around me gets scary. ”

Looking at Ducky now, he is tattered by love. Long gone is the bright yellow fluff that lined his body; now just grey porous cloth, worn ragged by the thousands of nights I held him as I went to sleep. His right foot is only a crudely stitched stub – a battle wound from the great dog-chewing incident of 1991. His beady plastic eyes, once lost in the yellow down of his face, now bulge from his threadbare fabric as if to see and know me more clearly than ever. Once the object that housed my burgeoning (but yet to be self-avowed) curiosity, Ducky now lives as a symbol of home – that intangible place I can come back to when the world around me gets scary. He reminds me I am brave, and competent, and am safe enough to remain curious because there is always some kind of home to come back to... even if that home is inside yourself … or in my case, a duck. 

---

HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

******

A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

---

Lauren Ziel, MSW is a Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker, ASW #76483, working under the supervision of Saralyn Masselink, LCSW . Through the use of movement and mindfulness, Lauren develops specialized treatment for anxiety, depression, eating disorders, challenges in life-stage transitions, relational difficulties, and identity/intrapersonal development.

Home: A Process

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

“That process of coming home to my inner world and to an expanded vision for my self in the outer world was one very much marked by stumbling and meandering.”

There was a process of coming home to my self that I was immersed in during the time that I ‘discovered’ the stack of books in my photo. I use quotations here for discovered because the books all somehow found me - through recommendations from trusted people in my life - more so than I found them. Each of their authors helped me to get in touch with my desire to become a psychotherapist after traveling along a much different career trajectory for years. That process of coming home to my inner world and to an expanded vision for my self in the outer world was one very much marked by stumbling and meandering.

I was (and will always be, I think) enamored with the idea that so much about the human psyche is unknowable - and yet since childhood I have had a hunger for knowledge about what makes us tick, grieve, or love. How does one become a person? What does it mean to be alive? What makes this life so painful and yet so rewarding at the same time? Many open-ended questions! These four books scratched some itches, but moreover, they initiated me into a deeper dialogue with ideas that had been swirling around in my head without much of a home to play in. It was a moving experience to encounter others, either from the past or present time, that were contending with these questions in such nuanced ways. It’s that sensation of finding something so right and so precise — it’s almost uncanny. Or the feeling of making a new friend when you have a moment of “No way, you too!? Wow, I thought I was the only one who _____.” Somehow the language that I found in these books reflected to me that I wasn’t alone and helped me remember that my mind was in relationship to other minds. They articulated things that I knew to be true in my gut, but unable to name with language before. This is what home signifies to me: it is a series of movements informed by resonance and reciprocity. And it’s a place to be known and understood - a place to be in dialogue - a place to be in process in a way that allows space for us to get to know ourselves and others over and over again. 

Taz’s Library (left to right):

-Quiet by Susan Cain

-Far from the Tree by Andrew Solomon

-Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

-We’ve Had One Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World’s Getting Worse by James Hillman and Michael Ventura

---

HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

******

A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

---

Taz Morgan, MA, is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, IMF #99714, working under the supervision of Gabrielle Taylor, PhD. She has trained in Depth-oriented psychotherapy and works with adolescents, adults, and couples. 

Home: Safety

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

“Like a fence protecting baby grass, some untouched territory can allow for steady growth. In the shelter of “home,” I can expand and decay, progress and regress, create and destroy— all without apology. ”

Home means safety to me. I think of the word “home” and I hear the sound of a deadbolt lock clicking in place. That sound is sweet and satisfying. It promises privacy. No intrusions and no interruptions. 

In a culture that glorifies the adventure-haver, the festival-goer, and the yes-sayer— I love the clear “no” that rings from a locked door. 

I swear I’m not a complete bummer-person, but I do believe in the beauty of boundaries. 

Like a fence protecting baby grass, some untouched territory can allow for steady growth. In the shelter of “home,” I can expand and decay, progress and regress, create and destroy— all without apology. 

In 1929, Virginia Woolf insisted that a “room of one’s own” would allow a woman to drop the act. She said a private place meant there was “…No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.” What wonderful permission she grants us. 

I think women in particular must allow themselves to close and lock the door. I mean that literally and metaphorically. This can be tough in a world that wants to consume us while simultaneously demanding our graciousness. It's hard to shake that instinct to be polite. But I have found few things more invigorating than denying someone access. 

Locks can be picked, though, and doors can be kicked open. Sacred spaces can be infiltrated or destroyed entirely. I know that safety is never a given and privacy is a privilege known to few. 

When circumstances won’t allow for solace I turn inward. And then I turn to Camus. He said, “In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.”

---

HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

******

A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

---

Katie Hurley, MSW, is an Associate Clinical Social Worker, ASW #89658 working under the supervision of Saralyn Masselink, LCSW #28617. Katie specializes in working with children and adolescents who are navigating depression, anxiety, trauma, and PTSD.

Home: Your Place in the Family of Things

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

“...that is so much of what therapy is about—creating a home. ”

“Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.”

-       Mary Oliver, excerpt from the poem “Wild Geese”

When I think of the word home, I think first of a feeling…the feeling of a warm, summer night.

Home is sense of belonging, a sense of returning, of being found, of having a place—a place that waits just for you. That welcomes and loves you. Not so much a physical place but an emotional place. A place that can hold you, no matter what form you may arrive in. That remembers you, no matter how long you have been gone. That is the first thing I think of when I think of home.

And then, right after, I think of how often in the human experience we do not feel that. How often we feel the opposite of that—a lostness, a feeling of being strange to our self or to another, a homelessness. A longing for that feeling of coming home in the moments when it feels unreachable. To me, that is so much of what therapy is about—creating a home. A person, a place, an hour of the week, that is just yours. That holds and remembers you even when you feel strange and unfamiliar to yourself. That knows and welcomes you. And about how, over time, that sense of home becomes internalized—becomes not only a place that you go to with yourself and another in your hour each week, but a place inside yourself. What a lovely thing that is to build with another human. 

---

HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

******

A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

---

Chelsea Small, MSW, is an Associate Clinical Social Worker, ASW #78503 working under the supervision of Saralyn Masselink, LCSW # 28617. Chelsea believes in the wisdom of the therapeutic relationship to ignite transformative growth. She has extensive experience working with people impacted by trauma, domestic violence, and the effects of emotional dysregulation.

Home: Blue

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

“Blue songs are like tattoos

You know I’ve been to sea before

Crown and anchor me

Or let me sail away.”

-       Joni Mitchell, “Blue”

‘Home’ is a word of layers - a concept whose meaning lives in spatial, literal, metaphorical and feeling realities. Home can be a place, a sensation, a longing, even a relationship; most interestingly, home can coexist in all these planes of understanding without contradiction. In exploring the idea of home this season at MHT, I have chosen a word that, like home, contains multitudes.

Blue is Joni Mitchell’s fourth studio album, released in 1971. She wrote and sang every song on the record, including the song Blue, quoted above. This Blue-within-Blue was a melancholy swirl of rock-n-roll love, in line with the album’s theme of the excruciating lows and soaring highs of relationships. Joni Mitchell captures in yearning minutes-long fragments that which takes many of us years of devoted labor to bring to consciousness and communication. Blue is, to me, one layer of home; the sound of an aching heart, a woman full of love.

 Blue is my mother’s favorite color; it was the color of my childhood home; it the colloquial term for sadness, which I would prefer to understand as longing. Blue is the color of the wide sky and the shifting oceans. As a therapist, there is great appeal to me of something so small which can contain so much. Home can provide another kind of expansive containment, a sense of familiarity and belonging that can hold us when we need to be held and also let us wander freely without fear of losing our way back. Home is often one of those spaces that we are aware of only as we leave and return to it; home is perhaps more a sensation of change than it is a signal of constancy. I first experienced Joni Mitchell’s Blue after graduating college, alone in an empty apartment in a city far from where I grew up. Listening to her Blue felt like coming home.

“Home is often one of those spaces that we are aware of only as we leave and return to it; home is perhaps more a sensation of change than it is a signal of constancy. ”

---

HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

******

A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

---

Broghan Hedges, MSW, is an Associate Clinical Social Worker ASW #90498, working under the professional supervision of Michelle Harwell, PsyD, LMFT 50732. She is passionate about helping the parent-child relationship flourish and has extensive experience serving families impacted by autism, adoption, and substance abuse.

Spirituality as Process

Maybe you, like me, sometimes wonder what spirituality really consists of. How can anyone really understand or know this realm of reality that transcends, but is inseparably involved with, the material? My thought is it’s not quite knowable. Or maybe better put, it’s not ‘master-able’ by our methods of knowing. It’s the kind of thing that can’t be all-the-way understood or written about comprehensively in a textbook.

And yet, there is something concrete about spirituality -- that is, it seems that a full-hearted seeking after spiritual life, truth, and goodness does bring about significant change over time. Sometimes in quiet ways inside of individuals and sometimes in powerful and surging ways that had seemed impossible.

My own life has felt rather upended by my spiritual experiences at certain times. To be honest, that is probably what I most want -- and simultaneously am most afraid will happen. There are also times my spiritual life has felt dry, so dry it’s made me think, “What if this is a desert, and all those memories of abundant, vibrant liveliness were only ever mirages?”

“Maybe you, like me, sometimes wonder what spirituality really consists of.
...My thought is: it’s not quite knowable.”

Lately I’ve been considering a new thing, for me, regarding spirituality. And that is the importance of “process over content.” (We talk about this quite a bit in therapy training. It’s a foundational goal of therapists to learn to pay attention to the pattern of things that are playing out, rather than attending only to those things that are explicitly named or spoken about in the moment). 

Applying this to my own Christian spirituality has meant learning to pay attention not only to the words of Jesus on the topic of spirituality, but also to his process -- the overall pattern of life he lived out as an example of cultivating a spiritual life. His times of solitude, service, prayer, fasting, and teaching are all different parts of the important picture of his spiritual process. As I’ve reflected on this, I have been challenged to be honest with myself about my own spiritual “process.”  What are my patterns of action and inaction? What do my actions show my spirituality is really about? To put it to a sciency metaphor that appeals to me: What’s the “center of mass” of my way of living? The answers to these kinds of questions left me feeling discontent and hungry for more in my life. That turned out to be a transformative place to start.

---

Allison (Allie) Ramsey is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Therapist who works with individuals on a broad range of issues, including anxiety, depression, relational challenges, faith integration, divorce, and aging. 

The Freedom of Movement

I fancy myself an amateur athlete. I love to move, to challenge myself, to constantly find facility over a physical skill. But there are modes of movement that I’ve shied away from because of a self-defeating belief that I cannot (or I am not made to) move that way.

“‘You’re in over your head. You could leave right now. Nobody would know,’ I heard my inner critic say.”

These beliefs have influenced specific movement patterns in my body – they are often linear and (sometimes) rigid. I run, lift weights, and move through yoga classes where poses are performed within the confines of a 2x6 foot mat. Over time I have noticed that my propensity towards these kinds movements parallels how I tend to orient within the world: I can be rigid in my thinking; I often follow rules with little question; if not attentive, I can slide into being dogmatic– focusing on the expectation or goal, forgoing my intuition, and lead myself into danger, injury, or overload.

Knowing that I have a tendency toward being overly controlled (in mind and body), I began to wonder about ways I could still enjoy the endorphins released by exercise while moving outside my proverbial fitness box. This wondering led me back to my self-effacing beliefs, to all the ways I’ve thought I was not made move: flowing, fluid, emotionally evocative, somatically dynamic.

I have always envied dancers. These artists (using their bodies as an instrument) tell stories in ways that are nothing short of miraculous. The control and skill needed to move so freely is a paradox that intrigues me. And my awe of them has always kept me an observer. My inner critic has scared me from engaging with such freedom in my own movement.

As I mused on this month’s theme of freedom here at MHT, I thought about how my inner-critic keeps me a prisoner of my own false beliefs. I know my critic functions (albeit misguidedly) to keep me safe. By assuming I am terrible at something, I don’t try. And if I don’t try, there’s no chance of failure. The critic helps me stay “good” and safe within my pre-conceived/contrived limits. 

But what if being good isn’t the point? I know that many of my athletic pursuits are motivated by wanting to gain speed, power, strength – some measurable unit of improvement. But there I go again thinking linearly. What if mastering movement isn’t the point? What if simply being movement is the point?

This reframe in intention brought me to The Sweat Spot - an unassuming dance studio tucked between a hip vintage clothing store and vinyl record shop (it’s in Silver Lake… so go figure). My heart was pounding. I hadn’t been in a dance studio since the screeching failure that was pre-k ballet lessons. I didn’t feel like I belonged here.

I’d paid and pre-registered for a class called Gaga People. If it was a Lady Gaga themed drag queen party, I actually might have been more comfortable.

Gaga People, developed by renowned dancer and choreographer Ohad Naharin, is described as a ‘movement language’. The class facilitates space for people to tune into a deep awareness with their present physical sensations and invites exploration and interpretation of those sensations with expressive movement (i.e.- movement language). The point of the class is to be the movement, to embody the sensations that are experienced.

I had no idea what to expect. I filled out a waiver and proceeded to a small staging area with benches, cubbies, and an in-wall window into the studio space. The preceding class was finishing up. I watched in awe as dozens of dancers performed some kind of primal modern choreography. The staging area began to fill with other Gaga attendees; they seemed un-phased by the talent on display. 

“You’re in over your head. You could leave right now. Nobody would know”, I heard my inner critic say.

“But what if being good isn’t the point? ”

Before I knew it, flushed and exuberant faces began cascading from the studio into the staging area. I pressed myself up against the closest wall and waited for my turn to walk into the studio – feeling like a cow being corralled toward the slaughterhouse.

There were more than two dozen of us - various ages, genders, ethnicities, & bodies all taking up a small portion of dance floor real estate. The instructor came to the center of the room and invited us to look at our hands and begin to move our fingers. 

“Imagine that each of your knuckles could move in all directions…” she said, “…like a ball & socket joint. Imagine and try to find as much movement in the joints of your fingers as you can find in your hips or shoulders.”

I knew (thanks to high school biology) that it was physically impossible but I was intrigued by what it felt like to try anyway. My mind was fully present in the sensations and efforts of my fingers, palms, and forearms. I had a fleeting feeling of expansiveness. I was trying to move in a way that I logically knew was impossible… and yet I acted into it anyway and felt more alive due to my effort. In that moment, I understood and embodied freedom.

Faulkner once wrote:  “We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.” That Gaga class let me practice freedom. It helped me experience how I imprison myself, restrict my own freedoms, and how I can decide to let them go whenever I choose. 

For anyone interested in finding some embodied freedom, The Sweat Spot offers their Gaga People class Thursdays at 1pm. They’re located at 3327 Sunset Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90026.

---

Lauren Ziel, MSW is a Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker, ASW #76483, working under the supervision of Saralyn Masselink, LCSW . Through the use of movement and mindfulness, Lauren develops specialized treatment for anxiety, depression, eating disorders, challenges in life-stage transitions, relational difficulties, and identity/intrapersonal development.

Women are Powerful

“Owning our voices safely is not always easy to do. We cannot do that alone by sheer will. We are social beings through and through. We are deeply influenced and affected by one another, and therefore, deeply vulnerable in one another’s company...When we feel we lose our power, it is as if we are boxed in.”

Photo by Even Keel Imagery - Miriam Brummel

WOMEN ARE POWERFUL. This phrase was inspired by a young client who is not yet an adult woman. It has special meaning for her because she has experienced bullying and yet is a strong, bright, and compassionate girl. She is finding healing in the midst of the messiness and owning her voice – her vulnerability, her fierceness, her unflinching sense of justice, her laughter, her grace, and her ability to say what is true for the sheer simple reason that it IS true. What she knew of women and girls was that we have a voice AND that each voice is strong - this IS powerful.

Owning our voices safely is not always easy to do. We cannot do that alone by sheer will. We are social beings through and through. We are deeply influenced and affected by one another, and therefore, deeply vulnerable in one another’s company. We have a whole field of social psychology that has shown us this. When we feel we lose our power, it is as if we are boxed in.

What I found fascinating, and also frustrating, while searching for a word to describe what women are to me, is that words have often have the unintentional effect of boxing us in. Each word has a cultural connotation and means something different to the person hearing it. Now, THIS is powerful, too. For example, women are POWERFUL. Maybe I mean that women are strong and able to connect deeply to themselves and others; are able to unarm someone’s defenses with a smile and a few words spoken in the right tone at the right time. That is powerful, that is beautiful, and that is love in a sense.

Now, but what does POWERFUL mean in a cultural context? Perhaps a powerful person is seen as domineering, controlling, and ruthless. And we have heard, at times, that strong and/or powerful woman can be intimidating or worse…

So, I ask myself, what kind of power has most value to me, in my world? How do I want to show up or stand up?

I want my power to come through in my listening, in my attuning to myself, to others, to my family, to my friends, to the tree outside my window, and to the sand beneath my feet when the ocean water flows gently around my legs from it’s source. The power of love I feel when I look at the night sky with the moon and the stars reflecting in my eyes. And the power to say no, to stand up, to not back down, the power to fight – all when necessary. Power to discriminate or to discern.

“They” say we are at a crossroads in our humanity on this planet. And maybe that is true. I ask you, what is real power? What does it mean to be powerful in the most beautiful interpretation of the word?

For me, what is powerful is both my vulnerability and my fierceness. BOTH are necessary.

I bow to you, to us, to our humanity, to what makes us the same, so we may support each other in our differences and in our sameness. To not give up on ourselves, to remember to use the power that is our birthright. The power of our hands, of our voice, of our heart, of our minds, and of our feelings of connection.

---

HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN DRESSEMBER WITH US:

Give! Visit our Dressember page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of December. We will be documenting our fierce fashion choices but our deepest intention is to empower and educate.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Dressember fundraising campaign page.

---

Michelle Levy, PhD, is a Registered Psychological Assistant #PSB94024010 working under the supervision of Gabrielle Taylor, PhD. Dr. Levy’s clinical interests focus on parenting practices, attachment, child mental health and developmental concerns as well as the effects of trauma on youth, families and communities.